nicht nur dass ich mir einrede dass alles gut ist lüg, oder lüg ich nicht -was weiß denn ich- meine tochter für meinen ex an.
und warum?
weil mich diese familienzeit fertig macht und das ist nicht richtig.
das ist unfair.
i'm supposed to be happy.
i'm supposed to feel this warm, cosy and 'so glad that you're here with me' feelings and i'm not.

further more i'm supposed to give this all onward to my child, which i so hard to do.
we decorated the tree yesterday and finished it with chocolate-umbrellas this morning, were laughing with 88.6 ..and now i was beginning to start believing that it could be a good day, a nice evening with my parents, brother and the both of us and a silent night with me watching the joker kickin' batmans ass.
and then she asked where her father is.
and i wanted to be true to her.
but 'baby.. i don't know' just didn't seem right. so i said that he's with his mom (whose sister died yesterday, so probably i'm right anyways..)
so now i'm sitting here with nickelbacks new feel-good-song 'this afternoon' and pretending to be happy and nervous cause tonight there's christkind coming and it's time to think of those who we love, who had passed, who are still with us. or not.
one more box i will close now and hide anywhere deep inside of me and then i'll start dancing through the day maybe in an hour or two i'll believe what i'm pretending.
i'm so fucking good at this it scares me to death.
if i would let me know it ;)